Not the Same Anymore

Lance Lord of Space Command has resigned. And the galaxy, as we know it, will never be the same again.

No, that’s US Air Force General Lance Lord,, head of that same Air Force’s Space Command. He hardly even looks like a general, much less like someone named “Lance Lord.” I expected a much squarer jaw, and a whole lot more hair. And some of kind of eye-thingy, like Space Ghost wore. And a unitard, maybe a cape, a utility belt and a ray-gun. Not some guy who looks like he ought to be grilling burgers and wearing a “kiss the chef” apron at a Fourth of July picnic.

That’s a fantastic name, Lance Lord, and what an organization to head, Space Command! That’s a 1950s teevee show, sponsored by Oatee O’s, the cereal dropped out of a bomb bay! The cereal that gives future test pilots get-up-and-go! Lance and Cadet Chilty criss-cross the galaxy, fighting the evil Dr. Garbanzo and his fiendish plots — always fiendish — to conquer and enslave the Free People! Only Lance Lord of Space Command and his sidekick, Cadet Chilty, stand between freedom and doom! And when the teevee series is done, Lance, Chilty and the always-evil Dr. Garbanzo will live and fight on in a series of increasingly awful comic books.

But Lance Lord has left Space Command, off to do whatever it is retired space heroes do (grill burgers and spoon out potato salad?) and is likely going to be replaced by Cadet Chilty — um, sorry, Lietutenant General Kevin Chilton. But Kevin Chilton of Space Command just doesn’t have the same ring to it. It doesn’t echo right, too many syllables. Who’d watch that show? Why would Oatee O’s, or Dynaspark Auto Parts, or Slouchfield Vineyards, bother sponsoring it?

Besides, Dr. Garbanzo long ago got out of the fiendish plot business. I don’t care what Dick Cheney says.