The Paranoid’s Bible

Last night, I was curled up outside in the warm weather, listening to my tiny shortwave radio, when I came upon the broadcasts of something called the Christian Media Network, based out of Jacksonville, Oregon. I’d heard their broadcasts before — especially the Apocalypse Chronicles — and I’ve always found religious weirdness, especially looming last days stuff (I love Brother Stair) delightful entertainment.

But last night I came across someone I’d never heard before. I don’t remember his name, maybe someone will post (or e-mail) and remind me, but he teaching Revelation (always fertile ground for the unhinged mind) and using a interpretive method that I had never even conceived of before.

It seems this gentlemen was using the Egyptian Book of the Dead to interpret the meaning of Revelation, claiming that what the apocalypse writer was describing were ancient rituals of the Satanic-Masonic cult that predated (I’m guessing about this last part, since he did not quite explain it) the creation of Adam and could be traced back to what he called “sixth-day men,” or people created on the sixth day BUT before God created Adam and Eve. (As Genesis appears to have two separate creation stories.)

As I said, it was delightful entertainment.

Anyway, it occurred to me that what the world really could use is a Bible specifically arranged for the paranoid mind. Call it “The Paranoid’s Bible.” It would include only the first eight chapters of Genesis, Ezekiel, Daniel, the apocalyptic bits of all three synoptic Gospels, and — of course — Revelation. All cross referenced to The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, the teachings of the Freemasons, Aleister Crowley’s The Book of The Law, The Communist Manifesto, the collected writings of George Bernard Shaw and H. G. Wells, every publication from the Council on Foreign Relations, the Warren Commission Report, and all public references since 2,500 B.C. to “a new world order.”

I’m certain more sources could be found, and it could provide stiff competition to the Scoffield Reference Bible.

2 thoughts on “The Paranoid’s Bible

  1. Found your blog via your “Pastor, Prophet and Priest” article at work, man. Keep it up.

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