I Hate Jesus

Hello all. I have an essay mostly completed that I started Saturday. But it is not finished, and I just don’t feel like finishing it right now. I just noticed someone who started seminary after me got approved, called, ordained, and has just bought a house. Yet another person moved along smoothly and happily in the process.

And here I am — unemployed, impoverished, and nigh near homeless. 

I blame Jesus. Truly. I hate Jesus right now. I hate the fact that Jesus called me to follow him, gave me no real choice, set me in the midst of insular, skittish, easily frightened people who did not know what to do with me and judged me harshly — who condemned me — for it. I don’t want to follow Jesus anymore. I hate Jesus. I hate this call. I hate the gospel. I almost think the gospel itself is a lie. And if not a lie, at least a great cosmic joke, a way for God to get a good giggle at the expense of pathetic losers like me. “Ha! I’ll say you’re forgiven but I’ll also make it clear that being forgiven doesn’t really matter because no one will treat you like it!”

And clearly, no one who really matters can be bothered showing me anything remotely resembling grace.

I wish I could be done with all of this. I wish — I really, really, really wish Jesus would just stay the fuck dead. And leave me fuck alone.

6 thoughts on “I Hate Jesus

  1. It really sucks to be Jonah, or Job; sometimes kinda sucked to be Jesus, too.

    Jonah 3:9 –

    “9 Who knows? … ” [ESV]

  2. Upset because things aren’t going as you think they should? Perhaps you are called to be writer..or composer or ….you have so many gifts. Use them to God’s glory….let go of these attachments. ..in peace.

  3. Been there. Angry as hell. Feeling cheated, judged just for being me. Even 20 years later I still have moments. I have moments of fear for all who enter the ministry. It seems they have no idea what they are walking into. They will despised by those he seeks to love. Those who share his calling will betray him in order yo use him as a rung on the ladder to success.
    I have come to understand that God has nothing to do with it. It comes from the dark side of human nature. God did not do this. God did stay with me over the last 20 years to help me heal…even if that healing gets undone at times. No one else can understand what it is like unless they have been through it…so there are very few out there who can listen with understanding. Don’t expect others to understand…because when they do it can be seen as the gift that it truly is.
    I have been clinically depressed for 30 years. It’s nearly all chemical. Meds help some, but it never fully goes away. Sometimes I think it is a miracle I am alive.
    I have applied for over 300 jobs in the two years since I was laid off from my job of 20 years in public health. I am 60. I am unwanted as an employee. I know nothing about starting a business. I have huge medical needs I can’t take care of because so many doctors refuse patients on Obamacare. I am a five year survivor of prostate cancer that is terrified it will return. My nether regions are numb, which means I will never experience sex again…which causes problems on many fronts.
    God is not responsible for any of it…but God takes my anger…my sadness…my loss of a sense of direction…my isolation…my pain…my fears…my loss of purpose…my tears and gives me the willingness to keep moving. I’ve gotten through all of that and I am still standing. I don’t know what it all means yet, but I am still here…so it must mean something. That means there is something to hope for out there. I can’t even guess what it is…but I am sure there is still something to hope for.

    So, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. To do otherwise would be spitting in Gods face…because, by all rights I shouldn’t be alive…here today. If I am still here, there must be something God has for me out there. I hope I get to see it soon.

    I have one thing left to say to you. You are still here. Hope is not visible to you right now, but it’s out there. Start walking.

  4. Don’t give up. “There is a meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler”. If you can’t find a church, start meeting people in a coffee shop. Pastor them. Do a book study on the Old Testament ( I guarantee theres a ton of people who don’t know much about it). Have people into your home. Pray for them or make them food. The ELCA can never stop someone who wants serve Jesus.

  5. Pingback: Jesus Can Take It | Charles H. Featherstone

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