A New Teaching

I’m making the following additions to the Gospel of Matthew. Because Jesus totally said this, even if Matthew didn’t bother to write it down. He probably didn’t quite understand it at the time.

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. I rented a new apartment, and you helped me move my furniture’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? When did we schlep your futon, your dishes, and your bookcases?40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. ’
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me. For I needed help moving, and you stayed home and ate pizza, drank beer, and watched ESPN.44 Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, or needing your boxes of books moved, and did not minister to you? ’ 45 Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me. ’ 46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” (Matthew 25:31-46 ESV)

All of you who are now righteous and have suddenly earned their way into eternal life can thank me later.

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